Suicidal instincts??

this one i'll keep short and mebbe even too the point if tht ever COULD be...

been in iit for a year now... iitb-suicide not exactly something out of the unknown... heard a random report before enrolling at iit, and was actually confronted by one after coming here. Srilu as he was known - i later found out - committed suicide in IITB on one very average normal day, another day to get on with for most iitians... just tht it wasnt to be... for many tht day turned out to be one they would never forget, for almost all others even remotely related, the date perhaps was lost, but the event forever etched in memory.

i won't bother with niceties like "may his soul r.i.p." or other euphemisms coz i simply do NOT believe in them... but i mean not any offense, so assume them if u may.

anyways... i thought of srilu out of the blue coz incidentally the room once occupied by srilu- was now allotted to a friend of mine... oh yeah... iitb can obv NOT make it a memorial, i mean cmon they've got to take in an additional 300 students man... so PUH-lease do not be taken aback by this... im just giving u the rational point of few...

i admit tht i in past, have been insensitive to those who have commited suicide. i infact made quite a few jokes with and on this friend who now occupies tht room.

i firmly believed suicide was for cowards. i thought srilu was a coward. i was wrong.

i for one cannot commit suicide even if i really wanted to.

explanation in order eh? why do u live?? coz u have a purpose. simple. there IS no other reason...
actually there is... we'll get to it... but it's really rare n for most ppl it stops at the first reason itself.

now imagine being stripped of ur purpose... haha u cant... i know u cant... dont try to fool urself thinking u can actually imagine... coz the pain of actually imagining it, is indeed next to the real thing. but i did imagine though. n i cried when i did.

with no purpose, irrationality takes a whole diff perspective altogether...
the only purposes i so cling to are the ones wherein i love the ppl who are close to me, too much... i'm not brave...oh no... i'd rather NOT bother with alien concepts like bravery.. im just trying to survive...

Infinity n Beyond

firstly... this isn't a sermon... it just IS... there are gonna be loads of typos alot of "..." and some more typos...

the idea of caps never appealed to me either... so on that note my dear friends, well-wishers, ex-cons and mrs. smith we start off !!

divinus interponus - divine intervention... is in stark contradiction to evrything i blv in... and i dont believe in a lot of things mind u. Then why IS it my blog title so to say?? well simply because i think it's cool. tht's it, no other reason.

now tht we've got tht out of the way. this blog isnt about me, rather -inevitably- about things "about" me. with the preposition about used in the more general sense of it.

i dislike a lot of things about iit. period.

tht's alot said in just one sentence. i shan't say more (mebbe later though) coz then i'll be just another cribbing bitch tht im quite positive im not.

there are things i like about myself. im obstinate i think, flexible with ideas, make tht very and speaking of ideas - i have a whole host of ideas about anything and everything. and frm general discussions with diverse sects of ppl i find my ideas both valid and reasonable. my reasoning is something im proud of. tht apart, there's one thing about me, my first impression on ppl when im being myself or let me put it this way- playing the act of my normal self- is generall not the kind id percieve to be rite. i many a times come across as egoistic, selfcentered, and THIS one i hate the most - over-smart!!! the word's extremely cheesy and it has all the wrong letters...

anyways gotta sleep more later...

So here's the deal... i'm continuing this one after what 2-3 days... n i dont recall shit abt wat i've written above... n honestly... i dont give a fuck...

So enter Sophomore year IIT Bombay... alot of ppl wud giv a lot to be in my shoes right now and i say tht without any sense of pride or vanity for tht matter...
coz i do NOT envy myself my life or anything about me.
I have this nagging habit of being dissatisfied with myself about anything and evrything i do and contrary wat u may have been led to believe more than often its quite justly so... im doin nothing gr8 im just trying and thts as hollow as it gets... i dont personify uber-cool... i do things in bits and pieces and at the end of the day i can't make ppl tht matter to me happy.

So i say to myself wat IS wrong with being self-involved, self-centered, and even selfish... just that they're socially less acceptable?? preached to nursery kids as a "bad quality" by a society tht in itself exists for the sole purpose of upholding itself and its influence over the very ppl who're living lives tht aren't really theres and call themselves "free"...

i did say i dont believe in alot of things... well i believe im going to hell and i do not believe u when u say thts a bad place...